My name is James Gruber. My wife and I have sex biweekly. Every other Saturday morning. If we miss a go, we don’t make it up. I have twenty-two sweaters. Ten that I wear to work, and twelve that I have kept too long. My car runs fine. I have a lawn mower that runs pretty well, too. I often pay a guy to mow the yard. He charges me an extra ten bucks for the use of his mower. It’s a riding one so I can’t really blame him.
When it rains, water collects at the base of a maple tree in my front yard. The ground is shaped like a bowl there. I am told this is why there is no grass in that spot and that if I do nothing to build it up, it will just get worse. From what I can figure this is probably right.
Sex occurs Saturdays around eight o’clock in the morning. We sleep in on Sundays. Brigitte runs a medical supply office, and at first I thought we would always have a fresh stock of band-aids and things like that, but we don’t. My father used to bring home shoelaces from the shoe store where he worked. I guess they would sometimes replace the laces in the display models if a lot of people were looking at them. We would get the old laces. One at a time. Of course, we would get shoes, too, but my father still had to pay for those. He just got twenty percent off.