The Report on You or Someone Very Close, Issue #14

My name is James Gruber. My wife and I have sex biweekly. Every other Saturday morning. If we miss a go, we don’t make it up. I have twenty-two sweaters. Ten that I wear to work, and twelve that I have kept too long. My car runs fine. I have a lawn mower that runs pretty well, too. I often pay a guy to mow the yard. He charges me an extra ten bucks for the use of his mower. It’s a riding one so I can’t really blame him.

When it rains, water collects at the base of a maple tree in my front yard. The ground is shaped like a bowl there. I am told this is why there is no grass in that spot and that if I do nothing to build it up, it will just get worse. From what I can figure this is probably right.

Sex occurs Saturdays around eight o’clock in the morning. We sleep in on Sundays. Brigitte runs a medical supply office, and at first I thought we would always have a fresh stock of band-aids and things like that, but we don’t. My father used to bring home shoelaces from the shoe store where he worked. I guess they would sometimes replace the laces in the display models if a lot of people were looking at them. We would get the old laces. One at a time. Of course, we would get shoes, too, but my father still had to pay for those. He just got twenty percent off.

Hear the full story on Bound Off or watch the animated version.